What a Day to be Alive

A month ago today I woke up and realized something was seriously wrong with Clancy because for the first time in months and months and months, he didn't wake me up throughout the night to go to the bathroom. At first I basked in the glory of being able to sleep for six hours without being interrupted, but then I got a really uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized how...off that was. So I got up out of bed and went into the living room, only to find Clancy had dragged himself halfway across the living room (evident by the track marks left by his hiking sneakers), was bleeding under his chin, and couldn't get up on his own.

We were experiencing a heatwave and I hadn't made him sleep in the bedroom with me the night before. I wanted him to be comfortable. But I don't think he was that night- it was hot and he couldn't move. And I feel awful that I wasn't there to help him in the ways he likely needed. I crouched down in front of him, looked him in the eyes and said "What's going on bud?" And I just knew.

Everyone always says you know when you know. And I really didn't know until I knew. And in that moment I knew.

I knew that a life in which Clancy couldn't get up unassisted wasn't one I wanted for him. And it wasn't one I wanted for me. It wasn't realistic or kind. And so after conversations with Katie, Steve-o, my mom and our vet, we came to the conclusion that in two day's time, we'd be saying our goodbyes to Clancy. My heart quickly started breaking but I put all my time and energy and emotion into being with Clancy and making him feel nothing but love for every bit of time we had remaining.

So most of those three days was spent like this:

Last night as I went to bed, I marveled at how I went the whole day without crying. I couldn't believe it, but was also grateful that the intensity of my grief had shifted. And then I woke up this morning with a tightness in my throat and a heaviness in the pit of my stomach as I realized it had been just a month ago when I knew. And the tears came easily as I thought back to the difficulty of that day and making that decision.

I'm grateful that I've never once felt regret over making that decision. A very good friend shared her experience in having to say goodbye to her beloved dog with me. She talked about wanting to pass off the responsibility to someone who knew what she was doing. And I get that. It's an insane responsibility to be the one to determine when someone should no longer be alive. And if I were to dwell on that for too long, I do think I'd likely go a little bananas. More than anything, I did feel like I was giving Clancy the gift of not suffering for any longer than was necessary. If anything, I'd kinda wished we could have said our goodbyes on Monday instead of Tuesday. But we spent that extra day cuddling, loving, touching and being as present as possible (sometimes that was hard for me).

I miss Clancy. I will miss Clancy forever. I know that to be true. And while I know it won't always hurt like it does now when I think of him, I am honoring my feelings and this painful process. Because I deserve it. And most importantly, my love story with Clancy deserves it too.