Jeezalou

The title of this post is dedicated to my friend Elisabeth and is stolen from Frank Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond.

We all know I haven't blogged about my weight and my weight loss efforts in a million years. Typically when I go dark on this here blog, it's because I'm not doing something right and would rather avoid talking about it to the masses. I'd say it's because I'm behaving like an ahole foodwise, but I'm trying to not be an ahole with negative self-talk and that would definitely count as being an ahole to myself.

But it's the start of a new month. An opportunity to press the restart button. Get a do over. Start from scratch. Pick your metaphor.

Life has been all life-y lately. In that way that you feel like you've got it so rough but then realize that everyone's fighting their own battles. And you remember that Forrest Gump's momma was onto something when she said "Life's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

The past year has been filled with so many ups and downs: finding out I'm a carrier for the BRCA-2 gene, my sister-in-law being murdered, family drama, friend drama, work drama, husband drama. I mean...come on life, back the ef off.

When the going gets tough, I go to food. It's what I've done since the first time I got my heart broken. And it's been a shitty coping mechanism I've kept with ever since. It's why I've struggled with my weight for more years than I care to admit. And despite all my therapeutic attempts, I still struggle. I'm surrounded by loving friends and family who remind me that I can put my mind to anything I want. And while I wish this were as simple as just putting my mind to losing weight and not using food as a way to celebrate, feel better, relieve stress, deal with anger, frustration, sadness (really, fill in whatever emotion you have in your vocabulary), it's just not.

I'm not looking back. I'm not beating myself up. I'm just going to start this first day of the month doing one thing that moves me closer to a healthier version of who I want to be. Okay two things. Because this definitely counts as one. Number two will be to get onto my yoga mat and stretch, twist, hold and breathe in a way that makes me feel less judgmental and more loving of exactly who I am right now.