Blah

I'm burnt out on The Game yet am so far away from reaching any of my healthy living, weight loss goals. And writing a post after a really f'n long day of work, when I'm dead tired and cranky is probably not the best idea.

But, I did something great for myself tonight that I'm really excited about. I finally invested in a pair of shoes specifically for spin class! I've been talking about getting these for a really long time and decided that even though I should really be saving money for my trip to Ireland and Budapest, it would feel really good to make this investment.

I went to spin class on Monday PM and although I hadn't been in a really long time (at least a coupla months), I found myself keeping up with the entire class and managing to get through much better than I thought I would. I am often caught off guard and surprised by how strong my body is.

The lens in which I look at my own self is so narrow. Most of the time, I think I only see this overweight woman who has struggled endlessly with her weight for the better part of the past 10 years. I see the extra weight, the failure and the disappointment in not having met my weight loss goals already. So when I make it through spin class without feeling like I could never go back or one of Britt's killer workouts (which I did Tuesday morning), I'm surprised.

It's like my body is this contradiction in some ways. I know that I'm strong. Britt pushes me really hard and I push right on back. But in my f'd up head, I think that since "I'm fat", the strength doesn't matter.

I'm not normally like this. I put this image out there that I'm fine. That I'm okay with my body the way it is (I'm not, not today). That I know being kind to myself is the better way to go. But even I have bad days and today is one of them. I mean, I knew at the beginning of this post it probably wouldn't be a good idea to blog.

But this is what's going through my head. And good days or bad days, that's whatchya get!