Exhausted

I feel like emotionally and mentally I've been in a funk for the past few days. I had a pretty intense meeting with my nutritionist the other day and I'm still kinda reeling from that. On top of that, I've been lazy about working out and still haven't picked back up with the running. So it's been about two and a half weeks now since my last run.

Anyway, back to the meeting with my nutritionist. We talked about how weight loss (and gain for that matter) really affects how people live their lives. And we talked about how dramatic weight gain or loss really affects who a person is, who they become, how they choose to live their lives, how they relate to and with other people, etc. It made me think a lot about the decisions I've made based on this distorted view I have of myself. It made me think a lot about the things I haven't done because of the way I feel about my appearance and weight.

It's been this big conflict of emotions lately because on the one hand, I'm still feeling very good about the choices I'm making and the changes I'm setting in motion. My twin and my friend Audrey both told me that they think I look good and that it looks as though I've lost weight. My twin actually said tonight at dinner that she was proud of me and could tell that I've been trying hard to make good choices. So those kinds of comments continue to make me feel good about what I'm doing. And even if no one made comments like that, I'd still feel good. Because I am making smart, healthful decisions that make me happy.

On Friday night, Steve and I drove all over Los Angeles looking for a new table to put in our kitchen. By the time we found it, thank you Carson IKEA, and were ready for dinner, it was close to 9pm, I had been on my feet for entirely too long and I was starving. I saw Tony Roma's and wanted to go there. I didn't think about what looked good on the menu, or what would make me feel good about myself or what my body needed (vs. what I wanted). I sat down knowing that I was going to eat some of their amazing bread with butter and ranch dressing. And then eat some of the onion loaf and then get the salad with the bacon, cheese and chicken strips. The only reason I didn't get their brownie skillet sundae is because that apparently doesn't exist anymore. But I was really hoping to get that as well. Here's the thing. It was a total emotional eating night for me. I didn't eat so much I thought I was going to get sick- which used to be a way of life for me- but I did eat without thinking and told myself it was okay because I had a long day and I was in a bad mood and I deserved it. I haven't done that in a while and when I was driving away, feeling ill (literally), I remembered why I don't like to eat that way. It doesn't make me feel good, or healthy, and it leaves me feeling very unsatisfied.

I'm rambling.

So as I was writing, on the one hand, I'm feeling really good about my decisions and of course happy that people are noticing (I'm only human). But then on the other hand, thinking about some of the harder questions is really making my head hurt. It's putting me in a bad mood and a little bit of a funk. I know I'm not being specific, but that's okay.

I'm trying to work through it, but I also know I need to talk things through on here, in my journal, with Steve and also with my therapist. Then I'm hoping I'll feel better about things. This is all a long and painful process and I'm okay with it. Right now, it's just a harder time than normal.

For this upcoming week, I'm going to set some goals:
1. I will start running again.
2. I will make dinner at home at least four times this week.
3. I will go to yoga twice.
4. I will have one "Molly Only" night.
5. I will write in my journal about what I'm feeling and thinking and I will talk with Steve.